Manager Quotes - Ian Holloway

With Football Manager 2009 offering more media interaction than ever before, we take a look at how some of football’s most notorious players and pundits have coped under the spotlight.

First up, we begin with the perennial title contender for the ‘Bizarre Quotes Premier League’, Ian Holloway.

“I've got to get Dan Shittu ready for the Stoke game. I've told him to go to Iceland and ask if he can sit in one of their freezers.”

We know it can get cold in the Brittania Stadium but to confine Danny Shittu to a freezer full of cocktail party sausages and chocolate gateaux’s in preparation is surely a little drastic.

“To put it in gentleman's terms, if you've been out for a night and you're looking for a young lady and you pull one, you've done what you set out to do. We didn't look our best today but we've pulled.

Some weeks the lady is good looking and some weeks they're not. Our performance today would have been not the best looking bird but at least we got her in the taxi.

She may not have been the best looking lady we ended up taking home but it was still very pleasant and very nice, so thanks very much and let's have coffee.”

We're not sure what Ian's wife may have to say about this but we certainly found it entertaining!

“You never count your chickens before they hatch. I used to keep parakeets and I never counted every egg thinking I would get all eight birds. You just hoped they came out of the nest box looking all right. I'm like a swan at the moment. I look fine on top of the water but under the water my little legs are going mad.”

To be honest, we have no idea what Ian is getting at. But it sounds ridiculous, involves birds and just had to be included.

“We threw everything at them. The kitchen sink, golf clubs, emptied the garage and threw it at them. Unfortunately, it was not enough, but at least my garage is tidy.”

After QPR lost against Watford in the FA Cup Quarter Finals, Ian shows the same temperament as some of our own resident Football Manager players, who have been know to hurl the kitchen sink at their computer screens!

“Most of our fans get behind us and are fantastic but those who don't should shut the hell up or they can come round to my house and I will fight them.”

Ian perfectly summarises how many Football Manager fans must feel when their supporters start booing because they are disappointed with finishing 2nd after they had expected a 3rd consecutive title winning campaign.

“Everyone calls him a gypsy but I can assure you he doesn't live in a caravan. He has a house with foundations.”

Ian refutes claims by opposition fans regarding long-haired left-back Gino Padula’s gypsy roots. Slightly ironic, as on Football Manager Padula always became something of a journeyman.

“Every dog has its day - and today is woof day! Today I just want to bark.”

Ian confirms everyone’s suspicions that he is indeed, barking mad!

“I am a football manager I can’t see into the future. Last year I thought I was going to Cornwall on my holidays but I ended up going to Lyme Regis”

Think yourself lucky, Ian. When FM players take a ‘holiday’ the furthest they normally make it is to the kitchen.

“It's all very well having a great pianist playing but it's no good if you haven't got anyone to get the piano on the stage in the first place, otherwise the pianist would be standing there with no bloody piano to play!”

Ian campaigns for an essential new attribute to be added to players on Football Manager: piano-playing skills.

“If you go to the ballet you have about eight intervals - it's different class. In fact you could almost have your 10 pints during the breaks and by the end of it you're loving it. I strongly recommend it.”

All very well Ian, but you can also drink 10 pints in the comfort of your own home while playing Football Manager so, why bother?

“In football, there is no definite lifespan or time span for a manager. After a while you start smelling of fish. The other week it looked like I was stinking of Halibut!”

Football Manager fans, thankfully, do not have to suffer the same managerial side affects.

“If anybody's offended by seeing a backside, get real. Maybe they're just jealous that he's got a real nice tight one, with no cellulite or anything. I thought his [Joey Barton's] bum cheeks looked very pert.”

Ian Holloway, it seems, is a very keen admirer of Joey Barton.

“Right now, everything is going wrong for me - if I fell in a barrel of boobs, I'd come out sucking my thumb!”

Show us the way to this barrel of boobs please Ian!